I'm 15 months postpartum (birth story )and I find myself googling "PTSD symptoms." I'm sitting on the edge of the tub, scanning the symptoms and mentally checking them off. It's 2 in the morning, and I'm aggravated at myself. I'm a planner that likes to "live in the moment". I'm half "Type A" and half "Type B." I'm someone that constantly works to be present, learn, and move forward. I feel like I've survived hard and traumatic situations, but here I sit, alone in the middle of the night replaying the births of my babies wondering why I can't shake this aspect of my past. So I'm aggravated. I'm tired of torturing myself. You know what got me up that night? What eventually forced me out of a comfortable bed to a hard, cold, and might I add narrow side of a tub? A "Friends" episode, the one where Ross's son is born. Yes, the funny ha-ha "Friends" sitcom led me on a Google search of "PTSD symptoms."
My emotional state has been all over the map since the birth of my daughter. The feeling of loss that's strong enough to hurt my chest and take my breath. The feeling of guilt that follows me through motherhood telling me I couldn't/didn't do the best I could for my babies. The feeling of sadness from the finality of knowing my opportunity for a healing passage of motherhood will never happen. I've realized through time, tears, anger, sadness, and bunches of more tears that this desperation has been caused by the wrong mindset.
My first mistake in mindset was viewing VBAC as success. I thought since I did the work, found the provider, had confidence, believed in birth, my body, and the process, that I was going to have a "successful" VBAC. In brutal truth I thought I DESERVED it. That's not how life works. Sometimes "failure" occurs even after working hard, staying positive, and doing everything "right."
I have tortured myself with "what-ifs" and "how-comes." I've been frustrated with feelings that my body is "broken." Even after going into the process truly believing Ina May's "your body is not a lemon..." During my journey I've been beyond blessed to have a provider that has supported me not only during pregnancy, L&D, but also after. Dr. Johansson has been a large part of my healing and growth post partum. I would torture myself with "what-ifs" and "whys" and I often asked him questions regarding my experience. This is one of his responses;
"You are torturing yourself. I strongly believe you did everything right but it still didn't happen the way we wanted. That's why birth is frustrating. Being right and righteous doesn't always get the outcome you want. But you did get a real birth experience, you were really driving the process, and there was a happy outcome. What makes your birth story powerful is that birth can be good despite not happening the "right way." It is not just the outcome but also the process. Your story helps and sheds light on the experiences of many women who are not celebrated in birth stories generally: the ones who do everything "right " but still don't have a perfect birth . It's a fallen world. But you were phenomenal. I hope that you come to peace with the fact you did everything that could be done. Your story still inspires and heals."
I wanted to give the optimum start for my babies and I was chasing a life altering birth to make me the best mother I could be. Since I viewed VBAC as success, it blinded me to what I really wanted and what really is success. Success is being respected. Success is being heard. Success is being cared for. Success is an opportunity to receive evidence-based care. Success is someone believing in you. Success is doing the absolute best with your own personal situation. Success isn't the final outcome because we are not in control of what happens.
"Birth is an opportunity to transcend. To rise above what we are accustomed to, to reach deeper inside ourselves than we are familiar with, and to see not only what we are truly made of, but the strength we can assess in and through birth"*
I'm starting to process that I did get the life altering experience I wanted, just not the one I worked so hard for. I thought nothing would ever be as physically or emotionally challenging as Nora's labor, but yet again it was the process following that pushed me to learn even more about myself. "Whether you're a birth feminist or not, know this: your birth experience has the potential to shape you as a human being in enormous ways."** I am strong. Amazingly strong. I'll know my strength forever. All the "hard" things that come along in life no longer intimidate me because motherhood gave me strength.
My second and final mistake (that I know of currently) in mindset was not being mindfully present. "When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness."*** I found that I was mentally stuck torturing myself and the only way to move forward was to accept it. I face and accept my reality, which takes a massive amount of power. "Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on."*** As soon as I was mentally capable of accepting my story I felt immediate internal peace. Before this clarity I thought I needed to learn to forgive myself, but there's nothing I did wrong. "When you surrender to what is and so become fully present, the past ceases to have any power. You do not need it anymore. Presence is the key. Now is the key."*** I hold all the power. I have the power to not allow the past to damage this moment.
"If you had not suffered like you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion. Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and then comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until you realize it's unnecessary."***
I'm cautiously optimistic with my new discovery of freedom. I'm facing fears and triggers head-on. I refuse to turn my head from the uncomfortable. I embrace these uncomfortable moments and allow myself the opportunity to feel them, accept them, and let them go. Mental freedom is a deliberate choice for me. I am strong. I am whole. I accept myself and my experiences. I am now. I am free. I am.
My dear friend and myself with our amazing doctor:
My Heart:
